the confusion begins

._:the caverns of day:_.

2005-05-02T18:21:00.000-04:00

i have looked the fool for love --

those darndest thing it makes you say

those foolish actions

it yeilds your body to do

with out even the slightest hint of dought...

and love is what we all ache for,

we fools just hate to submit to the lesser one,

our jealousy our egos,

hera should know the limitations of humans

is only hwat they assume they are

( we are limitless in our capabilities)

turning your back on pain

will cause nothing but confusion

a dn confusion

will cause nothing but

pain in not knowing,

not knowing what you are affriad to understand

- u - u are the only {?} i seek

the pain grew me

the sorrow tought me

the lost love made me appriciate

thank you for all you have done

-----JH-----

More Pain and More Confucion

2005-04-19T11:34:00.000-04:00

i am depressed

i think its the culmination of everything--- my career my life my home my lack there of having a home of my own -- the lack of "real" reasposibility i dont know maybe it was an excuse i gave myself to justify my horniness.. and now that im "alone" i dont want anyone but my ex--- huh ironic this life is... i do want to get back with her -- or maybe i dont and think i do b/c of the way i am feeling lately- --- no more great adventure theme park with her no more beaches with her no more movies with her no more dinners with her no more kissing her lips her perfect lips.. i am just feeling down very down and thinking of what you said about not making or knocking on the right doors/opportunities -- is my justification of pussy the only thing that is leading me to make a decission like this one... i dont know why -- i feeel like i dont want to leave her but my gut is telling me to go-- or am i assuming the gut feeling ---to justify -- i want to fuck -- my girl i thought i wanted another -- but i think of the arguments we had the fights... and now i dont nkow if its whati want.. i think of the good times and i get down and depressed and i feel alone and lonely but then wheni think of the bad i think of the presure thats not on me b/c we arent together... dam the confusion....

wouldnt it be nice if love came with a rule book or a how to guide or a be carefull manual --- it would make things easier...

The Settlement of emotions

2005-04-03T01:08:00.000-05:00

they do subside--- but as those emotions and feelings
start to go down others start to creep up -- up from the
bottom of already tired soul... it needs to feed it needs
to prowl and find its next victim, shhh the sweetest of
the preciouse of all the juices... hmmmmm he can already
feel it, the touch of the her new skin the new glaze in
her eyes the the smell of her breath on my neck , her
finger tips caressing my chest my finger tips caressing
hers...feel her new tongue around my cock, huh its
comming back to me now -- but does it b/c of the lack
of the old emotion lol or is it the lack of something else...
the urge is growing and the urge cant be stopped... it
will only keep on and on until it gets what it needs... it
has now fear it has no care it just wants... and if yo
have what it wants --- i pitty you for you are the one
who is going to enjoy the pain provided by him... his
urge in your deepest thought...lol now you want it and
him , but why him........he gave you the urge, the want
the feeling the sense of full lose of reality and the only
thing you know is that you want...
you want it --- the urge --- him --- me

Pain

2005-03-17T17:56:00.000-05:00

why does it hurt so much if it feels like the right thing to do..... dam -- and it really hurts....iget bursts of emotion that pours thru my eye...the liquid runs down my faded beard...she loved that though, the roughy....we had made up before and i think it was ok? im not too sure if we should have gotten back...together again is what we wanted...to fill that ????was still lingering....but i will always love you now tomorrow and the day after and for eternity...u will always be my first...no matter how everything turned out u will always be my first...i love you...

My life

2005-02-24T16:32:00.000-05:00

well well well

the time has come for me to work.... i finally got m,y own computer.. my head is still lost w/ relationships and i am getting hornier and hornier by the second. but i got my computer...its as good as getting a new car

The Break Up

2005-02-07T17:11:00.000-05:00

Fuckin Unfortunate Find Of Just Dumb Luck

i ma talking about hooking up with other people
and it makes perfect sense but i dont see a reason why i should or even break up.. i love her with everything i dont want to see her hurt or do something foolish if i break up w/ her and i dont want her finding out i cheated on her (if i did)which i didnt .. yet ... maybe???

maybe it is something that isnt fullfilling me.. to be honest she doeant do it for me there..not down there..up there, and she has been making a large effort to inprove..i dont know if i have caused this type of character change inher, but thats the last thing i awnted to do .. iwant her to stay who she is,, changing for me is tooo slefish of me to ask..

i mean all my life ever since i was interested in the female species i have always managed to get myself involved with older females which made me kind of mature quicker than what wouldhave been normal, but i dont blame them or myself, i just think what is missing is some maturity....maybe i need to mature.. maybe im the child.

this is what she found, this is what caused the rbeak up.. i know she didnt mean to look

thru my shit but like she said maybe it was ment ot be found.... i dont know if breaking

up was the ebst thing to do but i felt that i had to..for me or for her but maybe all that

i am doing is justyfing the way i feel :

confused.

tired.

relentless,

to find the reason

but i dont know what im looknig for..

was it the right thing to do?

i dont know.

is the hurt bottomless?

but it still feels like a dream;

sureal like 911 when your standing

so close but yet far enough to see the

emencity of the whole

i feel bad -

like i made a mistake; was it?!?!

ha life is the funniest thing

the irony is thick and rich in its vealed happyness

the lonelinesss that it will bring; hope will end.

{ maybe im in a dream waiting impatiently to awke }

AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOWS OF DEATH I FEAR NO ONE

The Dream

2005-01-26T10:11:00.000-05:00

El Seuno

Hello fellow bloggers...
have any of you ever had that dream where { and this is specified to the men well actually some women may have had these types of dreams too } your girlfriend sister preforms felacio on you...and it was good too.. when i woke up i started to have thoughts about her sister..her little sister mind you (she is of leagl age) perverts...dam my neadratholic subconscience.

The Pervert
is that wrong???? i dont think so but sometimes i think of how wrong it would be... i feel guilty very easily and somtimes i think i shouldnt but for some reason i do... i cant help it...be nice that is... but i did have the dream and i liked it and shit i know it probably wont happen but hey i can still be a perv in private... when i first saw her, the sister, i thought awwwwwwww how cute but then i saw her grow and get this sexuallity that i dont even think she knows she has... but sometimes i feel like telling her dont lick those lips just put them around my cock... if my guilt does surpress itself eventually she will find herself in the business end of my dick...

The Scenerio
---Man has a girl and he has been w/ that one female for more than 3 yrs (sexually that is) never has this man cheated or even gone as far as kissed another female...now the male starts having thses urges... is it b/c he needs to spread his seed on a subconscience level and wants to do another and another, but the man feels guilt... now why does he feel like this... he doesnt know he has been trying to figure it out himself for a long time... lol...if my guilt does surpress itself eventually she will find herself in the business end of my dick...

The Conclusion
nothing.... the man will not have the ability to do something that would give him guilt...nor make her feel not wanted b/c he does want her but he also wants her and her and her...unless she does something to make his guilt not be so guilty...and if she isnt carefull and if my guilt does surpress itself eventually her sister will find herself in the business end of my dick...

please pray for me.

BULLSHIT

2005-01-21T16:12:00.000-05:00

Shit man i just realized half of the shit i write is fucking babble....... but it is theraputic and not as annoying as as just keeping it in..

all bottleed up inside ready for one stupid son of a bitch to say the wrong thing at the wrong time just the perfect time for me to open up a can of unwanted yelling onto that unfortunate fool who is just a one of the few souls that need to be disposed of for the "cause" me.

lol.. fukemall

Hidden Love

2005-01-20T23:43:00.000-05:00

Well well well...

i dont know if you guys agree or not but i have been thinking lately of lov--no no of passions lost and if those passions lost were more than just the never ending filling emotional ballon that you think is going to burrst at any second w/ the type of want you feel for this person..

or is it just the want of ehr sex... ill admit it was good... but more than 1/2 a decade has passed and we have spoken thoruogh out the time but i dont kow if she feel that same inner emotional scream when we see each other... maybe the time was wrong..lol maybe the time was wrong

as a man you want to be able to be fit enough {financially} to provide the one whose heart is temporerally leased to, the most pleasing life allowable and i saw that she wasnt sure, most females are sure, if that emotion that is felt is worth not being the person you want to be... or
you think you want to be...

shit do you really know who you want to be or currently are... i think that she will always feel it and i know i will alwysa fell it too...well i hope she will always feel it...

its one of those things that start straight out of passion.. i mean the first time you laid eyes on one another you knew that you were connected some how more that physical...almost on a spiritual level... she seems so familiuar to me... maybe its why i want...

imagine my girl knew i had certain thoughts? huh wow the irony life is --- how magical aint it... who could believe that the world is that small... how could you be connected to me somehow smoe way you are...

life is funny, the type of funny that pisses you off to the point of suicide but you cant help but laugh at it...

NEW YEAR NEW START?

2005-01-13T13:52:00.000-05:00

Well well well its the new year and we as hum,ans try to create new excuses for why we could not or would not do something the year before

ie: this year i will lose the 20 pounds.. fuck it --if you dont do it and you need a whole fucking year to pass before you actually commit to it then your just as fake as that cunt we call the president... yeah we all want to make a change , so just make it.. read the book take that calss and maybe just maybe you will get what you want with out having to make believe taht your going to do it with a resolution.

shit fopr that make one everyday and make your lives perfect... its the will power that we dont have that will eventually get us to where we want to be... because out of neccesity comes motivation {wether its the good type or not }

the lack of will power will push you to do what your subconscience wants you to, if it doenst then you will become one of those lonely men/women out there that just wants to stay home all day and drink from the time you wake up and smoke you self to sleep...

money is the root of all evil - NO - personally i think the lack of money is the root of all evil...
people will do the strangest things when it comes to money.. they really will.. amazing this human race the society we live in...

fucking a

2004-11-16T11:25:00.000-05:00

FUCK THE WORLD dont ask me for shit because everything i got i've worked hard for it. but i dont have anything so should i fuck the world. or should i be nice -- i hate having to put up a front to get to the corner of the area in life where you want to be.. you go thru life wanting to be genuine and pure or at least not an dick , well at least most people, but to get to your end the means sometimes may have you become something you never wanted to be but the reason you became that was in persuit of what you really wanted to be. so if you change at the end trying to become someone w/ something or at least the person whom you originally wanted to be, then why dont we just stay who we are and where we are in life? is it because everyone is always asking for so much from you and you want to please everyone but loose yourself in the process. is it society telling you and having it burned into the phsicy of the person themself that you have to be rich in order to be happy. or lucky in love. or to be somebody.

so by the end of it all everyone is happy and no one cares, or is blinded from the light that you have shed, that you helped make them happy but while you were doing them you forgot to do yourself, and are people so selfish that they dont realize what one is doing for them, and try to repay the deed. although they shoudlnt be asked to repay the deed they have received because they are just that deeds one person did for the other in hope of making them see life in a more of a clear manner.

is it selfish for the one doing the deeds to feel as if though he or she needs to be repaid for what they have done. if it was done to help that other being then it shouldnt be expected to be done back. unless the person doing the deeds needs someone to make them see the things from a 3rd point of view. maybe they need to realize that the persons they are assisting with the deeds is his way to express his frustration at things. life , love , and whatever it is that urks them or me!!

my first time

2004-11-08T19:05:00.000-05:00

well this is my first blog after all the confusion that i had w/ the basic starting of the blog.. i hope its alright now b/c if it isnt then all hell is going to break loose.but so far it seems like im doing the right thing.